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Friday, March 16, 2012

The New Dark Shadows Trailer, AKA Losing Faith in All Humanity

The trailer for the upcoming Dark Shadows remake has been released. Did you hear that? That was the sound of every horror fan in the world throwing up simultaneously. This film, directed by Tim Burton and starring Johnny Depp, is a travesty. They took the original gothic horror soap opera of the 60's and 70's and turned it into a freaking slapstick comedy. I'm not kidding. Take a look for yourself:

Now, I really wanted to like this. I was really excited for the potential that a Dark Shadows reboot had. And I love Helena Bonham Carter, Michelle Pfiffer and Chloe Moretz. I really do. But holy mother of crap. This looks like someone crossed Scooby Doo with Willy Wonka and the bad years of Saturday Night Live. I'm heartbroken by this, to be honest. Compare this to the original Dark Shadows:

Sure, it's a little cheesy, it's a soap opera. But it is not, by any means, a comedy. I'm a huge genre fan, as we all know. I can't stand to see perfectly good horror material ripped to shreds by the hit and miss (mostly miss) work of Tim Burton. I can't help but wonder what the hell his thought process was when he was gearing up for this film. I imagine it went something like this:
*flips on the Netflix Instant, sees "Dark Shadows" in the Recently Added section* Hmmm. It's been a while since I watched this old show. I remember it being pretty good, let's check it out.
*36 hour "Dark Shadows" marathon commences* WOW! That was amazing! But I bet, if I add some horrible make-up, ridiculous dialogue and Three Stooges style slapstick, I could make BILLIONS! *calls up Johnny Depp* Hey, J-Dawg. You feel like ripping off all our fans by putting out a piece of garbage remake of Dark Shadows? Yeah, the vampire show. Well, I was thinking I'd dress you like a pedophile and borrow the script from a few episodes of Scooby Doo. Yeah, we'll make out like bandits on this one. I'll go vomit on some paper and send that in as the script, I'm sure the studios will fight to the death to get it. I mean, I'm Tim friggin' Burton, I could film my pinky toe for 2 hours and sell it. I'll get back to you, J-Dizzle. *hangs up*
Yep. That's exactly what went down.
I often use this blog to express my distaste with the state of things in the movie business, and this is no different. If film makers would just *try* to come up with something original instead of ripping off every movie, TV show and book that has ever been made, the movies that are released wouldn't be near as bad. So my message to Hollywood is, once again, STOP RUINING GOOD MATERIAL. This is why I don't go to the movies anymore.


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